You Are Your Own Best Advocate

Welcome back to Circumstance with Audiojack and Friends. "Apologies in Advance" - Sylvan LaCue.

It's going to take a bit of work but there's beauty in pain. There's beauty in being able to claim your shit for what it is and take accountability of the pain you may have caused during a state of psychosis. It's far from easy but it's oh, so rewarding.

This is the first year since I'd self proclaimed myself bipolar that I was actually listened to and heard. I am finally going to be seen this upcoming week to discuss a re-diagnosis in accordance with my PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression. 

If you missed my outburst this time last year, be grateful for I ripped just about everyone a new asshole lmao. This time though, I was hospitalized for a week and then found myself in a program that Aspire Behavioral Health conducts. It's been the most beneficial program I've experienced thus far and I couldn't be more gracious for the new friends and clinicians I've met along the way. Despite this, I've also cried for the friends I made at KMC who are underserved and are in dire need of actual mental health advocates.

Being an adult doesn't exclude oneself from the tyrannical struggles that are mental illnesses; not being able to contact more than one person via telephone is  -- as your support can't make a call out, only in. And if you dare to experience a flare up and decide to call 911 out of fear..., an alarm is sound and you can almost guarantee that you'll find yourself at the center of attention in a room with no door handles, strapped down to a bed, confined in an empty room. This is not my part of my story but I can go on and on about the terrors that are these facilities in which are designed to help. Prior to admission I was on another man hunt of sorts. I sought out retribution for my perceived wrongdoings brought on by people I poured love into, those I trusted and were taken advantage of.

(Backstory)  

In 2019, I found myself a miserable, college drop out with no sense of faith or direction. It was then that my Mom made me take the steps to potentially reuptake my serotonin by way of a police report. I submitted said documents to the family justice center in Bakersfield and to my dismay, nothing was done about it because my incident took place in 2016 and because my abuser is the son of a Federal Judge. Understandably so, I fell victim to my diagnosis as a label and further enhanced the isolation to the point of being ostracized by what friends and family I had left. My excuses that weren't always ,"excuses" grew tiresome on the shoulders of those I held dearest. Alike them, I grew tired of having to come up with said excuses and sought out the "perfect" escape, hallucinogens. Along with the pretty tabs of acid, psilocybin, and MDMA, I found my someone. I was utterly consumed by our three to the point of no return. So much so that I ignored the red flags, I made poor decisions by Him and neglected my needs. I was suffering inconsolably and all of that weight was being put on Him and my immediate family. I wanted us to be endgame so bad that I stayed past the point of exhaustion and exacerbated the inner turmoil which brings you up to speed. 

The moment I decided to end our relationship, I entered a state of psychosis and began barricading myself into my room, setting up booby-traps as if I were in home alone prepping to fight the "robbers." It then transpired into a night full of horrors and vivid flashbacks, some that weren't mine to bear. (If you believe in mediums, that's the best way I could describe what was going on inside. Moreover, if you've seen The Vampire Diaries and are familiar with Bonnie's character and how she develops her inner knowing...) 

It was hellish to come down from because in the wake of clarity, I lose touch with my angst + anger that fuels my fire. I almost enjoy the struggle because it's how I produce my most meaningful bodies of work. My website which was originally named, Sheroselikepac.com and my newest baby, Terracottaroseco.com were all compiled in a week's time due to my incapacitated state. I thought I had superpowers when in reality I needed to bend the knee and agree to taking the medications that were there for me all along. 

When I say, I see you, I MEAN IT. Ikyk who I'm speaking to as He is also struggling. Please, instead of insulting Him or deeming him irreconcilable, understand he is under extreme duress that can only be cured by a slew of help I consider to be the "combo."

with all my luv, 

Audiojack, Jacqueline Rose, or Medusa... whichever is befitting! 

xxx 222 Ewes lol <3